There's only so much fluff in life that you can talk about before words become meaningless. This post is going to be a really honest one, so saddle up because the thoughts on this page are ones that people don't like to talk about often and they will probably make you uncomfortable at some point, but this has been on my heart for awhile and I'm feeling vulnerable right now and that's okay. I'm also pretty sure no one really reads this anyways so whateva.
I'm at a very broken point in my life, I'll admit that. I can't pretend to be okay or try to keep myself together when I'm falling to pieces. I think I'm more frustrated than anything. I feel like a prisoner in my own mind. I'm literally trapped in my own thoughts. From the second I wake up to the second I fall asleep my head is consumed with thoughts of not being good enough. Do you even know how exhausting that is? My life is run by counting calories and numbers on a scale (if you didn't know that before reading this, secret's out I guess). As exhausting as it is, I can't seem to stop. It's taking over my life. How many more excuses can I give to people as to why I've lost weight? Or as to why I'm not eating or eating very little? I think I've used every line in the book and brush it off like it's not big deal.
I'm breaking down. As soon as I make one baby step forward, I take 10 giant leaps backward. I'm exhausted in every sense of the word and I'm tired of fighting. I feel so alone in this. I have no one around me to walk with me through this, to support me, to let me cry on a shoulder at my weakest moments, to embrace me when I feel like falling apart, to be still in silence when there are no words to say, to show me tough love, to rejoice with me in my triumphs, to speak truth into my life, and to help me understand who the Lord created me to be.
Tonight my head is filled with so many lies about myself. I've listened to these destructive thoughts that I don't know how not to believe those lies about myself that they tell me every single day. I absolutely hate my body. I don't even know how to describe how I feel about it. I just feel gross. Some of yall reading this (if there even is anyone reading this) who have seen me lately might be wondering what in the who-ha I'm talking about. To everyone else, I'm thin. I'm the thinnest I've been in years. Some people might say that I'm too thin, but I just think that's because yall haven't seen me this thin. I've worked hard to lose this weight and I still have more to go. I don't feel skinny at all. In fact, the scale tells me everyday that I need to work harder, that I'll never reach my goal, that the number on it is too high.
I'm bound up in fear and this is how I've chosen to deal with that. I fear being inadequate. I fear being rejected. I fear being unlovable. I fear people walking out of my life.
I've never felt a sense of guilt before going to Summer Staff. I feel like I was just beaten over the head with my sin again and again there. It was constantly being thrown in my face. Now I feel guilty and carry that guilt on my shoulders 24/7. I feel guilty that I keep messing up this life the Lord has given me to live for Him.
I don't feel worthy of love. I don't like or love myself. If I can't love myself, why should others, let alone the Lord, choose to love me?
As a Christian, is it okay to be broken? I feel like recently I've been shown that you have to have it all together all the time. There are days when it's hard for me to hold onto the hope we find in the Lord and there are days when I have to pray for the Lord to give me the desire to want more of who He is. That's okay, right?
"See you down there everyday
Trying to find a different way
To build some kind of latter to the sky
Trying to find some way to see
The secrets of eternity and they don't come all at once
And you don't know why
Well how do you think it feels to hear you screaming out My name
While all the while I'm trying to open up your heart
See you when you cry yourself to sleep
It's tearing Me apart
I know you wish you could see Me
That's the way it has to be
Someday you'll understand
Don't you lose your faith in Me
I know you wish you could hear Me
Sometimes it's so hard to do
But every morning the sunrise says
I'm madly in love with you
Yes, I'm madly in love with you
I know that you're waiting for
A chance to come in from the war
If only a moment, if only a day
A place where you feel safe and warm
A sanctuary from the storm
Until all of these questions fade away
But I cannot count on all the signs
You've passed away as mere coincidence
And I'm running out of ways to break through
Like a lonely lover waiting by the ocean
I'll never give up on you
I know you wish you could see Me
That's the way it has to be
Someday you'll understand
Don't you lose your faith in Me
I know you wish you could hear Me
Sometimes it's so hard to do
But every morning the sunrise says
I'm madly in love with you
Yes, I'm madly in love with you"
-Madly In Love With You by Sean McConnell
