"My God, He keeps me all through the night. You don't just hold me, You hold me together."

I could not be any more blessed than I am. I am so very thankful for wonderful friends who support me, a loving family and two very selfless parents who bend over backwards for me, but the thing I am most thankful for is an amazing God and for His forgiveness. Over these past few days I saw just how big, wide, and high my parents' love for me is and how they would do anything for me and through that I got a beautiful glimpse into just how much the Lord loves me.... but more and He already did everything for me. That is captivating.

The Lord has been convicting me in so many painful, but necessary ways and I could not be more thankful for that. As many tears as I've cried these past few days, they have been some of the most incredible days that I've spent in the presence of my Creator. I've realized just how desperate I am for His love. I want to spend every second of my day getting to know Him more fully. I feel like I've wasted so much time filling my life with so many things that are not of Him. I want to live every single minute of my life unrestrained. Unrestrained in that I want to give my life away and that I don't want to keep living my life for myself. I want to live completely free in His love and mercy knowing that He keeps no record of where I've been. I am so desperate to know Him deeper. I am desperate for Him to rid me of my selfishness and to shape me into the person I was made to be. I want to bring Him glory in EVERYTHING that I do. I'm thankful that He keeps drawing my heart closer to His. I'm fighting a big battle right now in my life and I'm thankful that in the midst of it, He doesn't look at me and see the mess of my sin. Lord, I'm completely in awe of the way You've captured my heart in the biggest way yet. I'm so thankful for Your forgiveness and that You continue to make me new everyday. I love you so much, Papa.

"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace." [Hebrews 6:24-26]

“Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” [Matthew 11:28]

“Come now and let us reason together," says the Lord, "though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow.” [Isaiah 1:18]

Tonight I'm thankful for God's redemptive love.

I'm thankful for God's unending love.

I'm thankful for God's unconditional love.

I'm thankful that the Lord is making me new.

I'm thankful that the Lord has washed me white as snow.

I'm thankful that the Lord never gives up on me.

I'm thankful that You continue to call my name even in my weakness.

I'm thankful that You're holding me right this very second.

I'm thankful that You no longer see my brokenness.

I'm thankful for Your power.

I come before You, Lord.

I come before You broken.

I come before You with my hands wide open.

I come before You desperate for your healing touch.

I come before You desperate to know You more.

I come before you completely surrendered to your love.

I'm ready to be set free.

Free from bondage.

Free from constant comparison.

Free from self-hatred.

Free from destructive thoughts.

Free from the lies that control my thoughts.

Free from fear.

Free from judgment.

Free from depression.

Free from living by rules.

I'm ready to live consumed by Your love.

Your selfless love.

Your unconditional love.

Your warm embracing love.

Your patient love.

Your jealous love.

Your gentle love.

Your humbling love.

Your wide open love.

Your all consuming love.

Your beautiful love.

Lord, allow me to spread Your love everywhere I go. Help me to love others with Your love. Protect my thoughts as I go throughout the day with my eyes fixed on you and help me to live in Your freedom.

I need You more than ever, I'm dying without You.

Lord, I'm sorry for living this way for far too long.

I want to look like You, walk like You, talk like You.

I want my life to be that of Yours.

I'm done trying to do this all on my own, so right this second I am wholeheartedly giving this struggle to You.

I declare that I am DONE living in this mess that I've created.

Lord, I'm going to need You to be my strength because without You, I'm only going to grow weak and fail.

Father God, thank You that You love me way too much to leave me like this.

I thank You for Your grace and forgiveness.

Make me new, Lord.

Turn my life into something beautiful, something that looks like You.

Thank You that Your plans are far bigger and more fulfilling than anything I've been trying to do on my own.

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13

How sweet is Your love Lord God.

Not so light and fluffy.

There's only so much fluff in life that you can talk about before words become meaningless. This post is going to be a really honest one, so saddle up because the thoughts on this page are ones that people don't like to talk about often and they will probably make you uncomfortable at some point, but this has been on my heart for awhile and I'm feeling vulnerable right now and that's okay. I'm also pretty sure no one really reads this anyways so whateva.

I'm at a very broken point in my life, I'll admit that. I can't pretend to be okay or try to keep myself together when I'm falling to pieces. I think I'm more frustrated than anything. I feel like a prisoner in my own mind. I'm literally trapped in my own thoughts. From the second I wake up to the second I fall asleep my head is consumed with thoughts of not being good enough. Do you even know how exhausting that is? My life is run by counting calories and numbers on a scale (if you didn't know that before reading this, secret's out I guess). As exhausting as it is, I can't seem to stop. It's taking over my life. How many more excuses can I give to people as to why I've lost weight? Or as to why I'm not eating or eating very little? I think I've used every line in the book and brush it off like it's not big deal.

I'm breaking down. As soon as I make one baby step forward, I take 10 giant leaps backward. I'm exhausted in every sense of the word and I'm tired of fighting. I feel so alone in this. I have no one around me to walk with me through this, to support me, to let me cry on a shoulder at my weakest moments, to embrace me when I feel like falling apart, to be still in silence when there are no words to say, to show me tough love, to rejoice with me in my triumphs, to speak truth into my life, and to help me understand who the Lord created me to be.

Tonight my head is filled with so many lies about myself. I've listened to these destructive thoughts that I don't know how not to believe those lies about myself that they tell me every single day. I absolutely hate my body. I don't even know how to describe how I feel about it. I just feel gross. Some of yall reading this (if there even is anyone reading this) who have seen me lately might be wondering what in the who-ha I'm talking about. To everyone else, I'm thin. I'm the thinnest I've been in years. Some people might say that I'm too thin, but I just think that's because yall haven't seen me this thin. I've worked hard to lose this weight and I still have more to go. I don't feel skinny at all. In fact, the scale tells me everyday that I need to work harder, that I'll never reach my goal, that the number on it is too high.

I'm bound up in fear and this is how I've chosen to deal with that. I fear being inadequate. I fear being rejected. I fear being unlovable. I fear people walking out of my life.

I've never felt a sense of guilt before going to Summer Staff. I feel like I was just beaten over the head with my sin again and again there. It was constantly being thrown in my face. Now I feel guilty and carry that guilt on my shoulders 24/7. I feel guilty that I keep messing up this life the Lord has given me to live for Him.

I don't feel worthy of love. I don't like or love myself. If I can't love myself, why should others, let alone the Lord, choose to love me?

As a Christian, is it okay to be broken? I feel like recently I've been shown that you have to have it all together all the time. There are days when it's hard for me to hold onto the hope we find in the Lord and there are days when I have to pray for the Lord to give me the desire to want more of who He is. That's okay, right?

"See you down there everyday

Trying to find a different way

To build some kind of latter to the sky

Trying to find some way to see

The secrets of eternity and they don't come all at once

And you don't know why

Well how do you think it feels to hear you screaming out My name

While all the while I'm trying to open up your heart

See you when you cry yourself to sleep

It's tearing Me apart

I know you wish you could see Me

That's the way it has to be

Someday you'll understand

Don't you lose your faith in Me

I know you wish you could hear Me

Sometimes it's so hard to do

But every morning the sunrise says

I'm madly in love with you

Yes, I'm madly in love with you

I know that you're waiting for

A chance to come in from the war

If only a moment, if only a day

A place where you feel safe and warm

A sanctuary from the storm

Until all of these questions fade away

But I cannot count on all the signs

You've passed away as mere coincidence

And I'm running out of ways to break through

Like a lonely lover waiting by the ocean

I'll never give up on you

I know you wish you could see Me

That's the way it has to be

Someday you'll understand

Don't you lose your faith in Me

I know you wish you could hear Me

Sometimes it's so hard to do

But every morning the sunrise says

I'm madly in love with you

Yes, I'm madly in love with you"

-Madly In Love With You by Sean McConnell

One thing remains, Your love never fails.

Today I'm thankful for a God whose love remains constant while everything else around me is changing.

I'm thankful for a God who never gives up on me even when I fail and when others are so quick to turn away from me.

I'm thankful for a God whose love never runs out and is overflowing.

I'm thankful for a God who completely satisfies my soul and that nothing else will do.

I'm thankful for a God who fights on my behalf when I don't have the strength to even fight for myself.

I'm thankful for a God who sees what I've done, forgives, and loves me regardless.

Nothing can separate my heart from Your great love.

Just read my journal from the two months I spent at Lake Champion last summer. Wow is all I can say. God showed up and completely transformed my life in those two months. Reading all of this is blowing my mind. I leave tomorrow morning for Summer Staff and I'm expecting God to show up in even bigger ways this month while I'm on waterfront again. Pray that I'm broken down and built back up to look more like Jesus. Pray that walls would be broken down in the lives of campers and that they would be absolutely transformed by the love of Christ this month. Pray that our words, actions, and lives would be an example of what having a full life in Christ truly means. Pray that my own walls would be broken down and that I would have a transparency with the people I'll be serving with.

I won't have my phone or Facebook so write to me!

Young Life's Lake Champion

247 Mohican Lake Road

Glen Spey, NY 12737

"So that's where my mind and heart are these days: more moments of Heaven, and less locking of the knees. More awareness of God's presence and action and ability, and less stranglehold on my fear and anxiety. More floating, and less getting tumbled....

....I know now that I can make it through more than I thought, with less than I thought. I know better than to believe that the changes are over, and I know better than to believe the next ones will be easier, but I've learned the hard way that change is one of God's greatest gifts and one of his most useful tools. I've learned the hard way that change can push us, pull us, rebuke and remake us. It can show us who we've become, in the worst ways, and also in the best ways. I've learned that it's not something to run away from, as though we could, and I've learned that in many cases, change is not a function of life's cruelty but instead of function of God's graciousness." -Bittersweet

"I know that I have to move from speaking about Jesus to letting him speak within me, from thinking about Jesus to letting him think within me, from acting for and with Jesus to letting him act through me. I know the only way for me to see the world is to see it through his eyes."

in Your freedom I will live.

The lyrics to In Your Freedom by Hillsong are the words to the prayer in my heart today....

"I search for You God of strength

I bow to You in my brokenness

And no other King could have so humbly come

To save my soul and heal my heart

I have nothing more than all You offer me

There is nothing else that's of worth to me

And I love You Lord

You rescued me

You are all that I want

You're all that I need

I pray to You God of peace

I rest in You my cares released

I have nothing more than all You offer me

There is nothing else that's of worth to me

And I love You Lord

You rescued me

You are all that I want

You're all that I need

In Your freedom I will live

In Your freedom I will live

I offer devotion, I offer devotion"

For some time now I've been filling my life with things that leave me empty at the end of the day. All I really desire is to know my Lord more and more. I'm resting in His truth and promises, especially today. I've made a mess of my life recently and I'm declaring that today is the end of it all. I will NOT find my worth in anything/anyone but the One who created me with His own hands. My God is the One who saves and redeems and He is restoring my life even this very second. I will rest in the Lord and NOTHING ELSE. His love comes with no conditions and I want to live in the freedom that comes from His true love. The crazy mess in my life is delivering me right into the palm of God's hand and pulling me into His heart, which is where I always want to be.

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God had poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." [Romans 5: 1-5]

I just LOVE that little nugget of truth! Mmm mmm good. Meditating on this piece of Scripture today.

I don't really know where this post is going to go.... I have so many thoughts scrambling through my brain right now, sorry if this just ends up a mess.

Sometimes I feel like I have to hide what's really going on in my life because I'm so in love with Jesus. I feel like people just expect me to have it all together especially to my church/Young Life "family" at home. I guess I've just always hidden my darkest secrets and struggles with them. I've built up this "everything is great all the time" image, which has put up a huge wall in so many relationships. It's a wall that has made me feel so isolated and alone. Have you ever heard the song Castle Walls by T.I? Well in case you aren't familiar with it some of the lyrics are "Everyone thinks that I have it all, but it's so empty living behind these castle walls. If I should tumble, if I should fall, would anyone hear me screaming behind these castle walls? There's no one here at all behind these castle walls." These lyrics sum up how I've been feeling lately.

It's funny how we can pick and choose what parts of our lives we share with certain people. It is so easy for me to share my struggles with people while I'm on Summer Staff, but the idea of sharing my struggles with people at school or home scares me to death and it is so hard for me to do. I think it's because I know that at the end of the month at camp there will be so much distance between me and the friends I've shared my life with. Trust can't be broken and I can't be let down by these people as easily. At the same time, there is so much relief and joy that comes from being transparent with friends who I surround myself with every single day and not having to carry this burden by myself.

My life is so very bittersweet right now for so many reasons. It is chaotic and beautiful all at the same time. I'm sweetly broken in so many ways and I'm struggling with some not so light things. I sometimes often question why a certain struggle of mine is mine to deal with at all. Why can't I just be so in love with who I am the way that I'm so deeply in love with the One who created me with His very hands? The Lord made me this way to fulfill a plan that was designed specifically for me to bring Him glory. A plan that no other person can live out, but me. I don't even think what I'm dealing with even qualifies as a struggle anymore, it's become a lifestyle. It scares me, but I know that the Lord is fighting on my behalf. He is holding my heart this very second.

Identity.

Identity. We all search for some place to put our identity in. Where will we find it?

So many times I put my identity in the material things and in the people I surround myself with everyday. My eyes have really been opened to this the past few weeks...

Society tells us who we should be, what defines success, what we should look like, how we should act, what size or weight we should be, etc. I mean, take a look around, it's everywhere. Just the other day I bought a magazine (Self magazine to be exact) and in the magazine were articles about shedding pounds and ways to get a more gorgeous you. I think these articles were called "Get Flat Abs and Shed 9 Pounds!" and "1 Month to a More Gorgeous You!". The world defines what's beautiful and what you should look like, and if you don't conform to this man-made mold, you're worthless. I used to believe that I had to squeeze myself into this mold. It's a trap that only leads to destruction, but I've realized that my identity is not found in these lies or my attempts to conform to the standards of the world. It's found in the Lord who made me beautiful in every way. I am His masterpiece and my uniqueness was a gift from Him. When I gaze at him, He reflects back to me my beauty because I was made in His image, and that image is perf.

Being in a sorority, I've noticed that there is serious competition between girls to see who has the best things. It's always a competition to see who has the best Michael Kors watch, who has the prettiest Lilly dress, who has this, who has that. I get sucked into it and literally turn into a bratty little typical sorority snob. I HATE it!!!! Like seriously, WHO THE HECK CARES?! I've always tried to find security in material things... I'm realizing that the more and more I do this, the more and more unsatisfied and insecure I become. Why do I keep doing this when I know that the only one who can give me what I really need is the Lord?!

I'm now at a point in my life where I'm trying to figure out what comes next. I have so many ideas of what I want to do and be when I'm done undergrad. I often find myself listening to what the world would tell me to do.... something that will bring me the most money, the most security, and something that makes sense to the world. I close myself off to the Lord's call on my life when I do this. I refuse to find identity in the world's idea of success. Instead of listening to what the standards of the world tells me I should do, I should be still and listen to where the Lord is leading me. The Lord's plans for my life are SO much better and more fulfilling than anything the world has to offer me! He already has a plan for me, so why worry about it or completely disregard what His plans are? How comforting is that?!

Not only do I put my identity in those things, but I find that I place my identity most in other people. I place all my trust, hope, love, etc in other people. I look to people to find the unconditional love that I so desperately want. When I can't get it or find it in them, I become hurt and broken. And so many times, when something in my life happens that I need advice on or guidance about something, I'll run straight to my friends. In reality I should be running to the Lord. The first thing I should do about anything is seek the Lord and see what He has for me instead of going to a friend to figure out what to do about something. He is the ONLY one who will give me the unconditional love that I need and I need to stop looking for it in other places.

Through all of this, the Lord is teaching me that I was not made to fit in, I was created to stand out. The world tells me time and time again that what I possess defines who I am and that what I look like determines my worth. But the Lord has given me unique beauty and will equip me with all that I need to live a life that doesn't draw attention to myself, but to live a life that leads others to Him. He is going to use me, of all people, to do more for His kingdom than I could ever dream of. That thought alone is just so unbelievably mind-boggling to me, but I love it!

So, what do you find your identity in? Do you find it in worldly possessions? Do you find it in what the world says you should be and how you should look? Do you find it in other people? Or do you define yourself by who the Lord says you are?

Just a few verses I've been living by this past semester:

"For the Lord will be your confidence, and will keep your foot from being caught." [Proverbs 3:26]

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." [Galatians 1:10]

"The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord." [Psalm 45:11]

Unconditional love.

I'm thankful that my God is one who draws my heart closer to His in the midst of my struggles.

I'm thankful for a God that loves me unconditionally no matter what I've done to make a mess of this life He has given me.

I'm thankful that He loves me just the way I am, but cares about me too much to leave me that way.

I'm thankful for the grace that poured out on the cross and for a love that transforms me to look more like Him.

I'm thankful that regardless of what season I'm in, the Lord never lets go of me and is holding my heart this very second.

You Are More

"There's a girl in the corner

With tear stains on her eyes

From the places she's wandered

And the shame she can't hide.

She says, "How did I get here?

I'm not who I once was

And I'm crippled by the fear

That I've fallen too far for love."

But don't you know who you are,

What's been done for you?

Yeah, don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it

That she's been given new life

But she can't shake the feeling

That it's not true tonight.

She knows all the answers

And she's rehearsed all the lines

And so she'll try to do better

But then she's too weak to try.

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,

But what's been done for you.

This is not about where you've been,

But where your brokenness brings you to.

This is not about what you feel,

But what He felt to forgive you,

And what He felt to make you loved.

You've been remade."

-Tenth Avenue North, You Are More

Parents bought me a new car, just one of the many reasons why I love them. Best parent award goes to... my parents.

Live Forever (College Life Spring Retreat 2011)

Here's a video my leadership team put together and showed at our spring retreat this past weekend! :)

What's on my heart

Not pretty enough. Not thin enough. Not smart enough. Not tall enough. Not funny enough. Not good enough. Not this. Not that. I'm just not. That about sums it up.

"The days will come when you don't have the strength

When all you hear is you're not worth anything

Wondering if you could ever be loved

And if they truly saw your heart, they'd see too much

You're beautiful, you're beautiful

You are so much more than all of this

You're beautiful, you're beautiful

You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His

You're beautiful

I'm praying that you have the heart to fight

Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight

For all the lies you've held inside so long

And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

Before you ever took a breath

Long before the world began

Of all the wonders He possessed

There was one more precious

Of all the earth and skies above

You're the one He madly loves

Enough to die

You're beautiful, you're beautiful

In His eyes"

-Beautiful by Mercy Me

....I don't think I'll ever think of myself as beautiful.

I really hate when a group of people are looking at me. No, really. I do. I'd much rather blend into the wall behind me or fade into the background of wherever I am than be noticed... like a geco. I hate when professors just randomly call on me.... like no. I hate the feeling of all eyes on me and all the attention coming my way. And I HATE presentations. Biggest fear ever and I am not exaggerating by any means. Fear literally takes over me when I'm giving presentations. It's the vulnerability that I don't like. I'd much rather go bungee jumping than stand in front of a group of people and speak. I find it a little bit ironic that I want to go to seminary school for Christian Leadership. Ultimately, I want work in youth ministry or something like that... which would require me to stand out and speak in front of people all the time. OH yeaaaaah. It's gonna be a cray cray ride, but I'm loving that the Lord is leading me down that path.

I'm giving a presentation in like an hour...

And one of my Religion professors, who I absolutely adore by the way (this is my first semester not in one of her classes, but not to worry, I'll be in two of her classes again fall semester), asked me to think about putting together a project/paper and presenting it to a bunch of people at a conference thing... uhhh, I'm nervous just thinking about it.

Warm fuzzies.

I just really LOVE Jesus with my whole heart and I just love to love Him. Update to come.

"When we trust profoundly that today is the day of the Lord and that tomorrow is safely hidden in God's love, our faces can relax, and we can smile back at the One who smiles at us." -Henri Nouwen

LUH DAT.

Ashley Berg is coming on Tuesday! Iamsofreakingexcited.

Here's what our itinerary looks like for the week:

Watch Glee, eat ice cream, watch the House Bunny, go to Starbucks, update our blogs, go to Wawa to get mac & cheese, watch Jersey Shore, go to Target, watch the House Bunny again, go to Starbucks again, watch Jerseylicious, eat pizza rolls, watch the House Bunny again, then have pillow talk after Ashley plays the guitar.

SOUNDSGOODTOME.

Thankful for a God who changes me from the inside out.

Bye FB World.

So, I deleted my Facebook. I'm making room for the more important things in my life. I'm making more time to read my Bible, more time for Jesus, and more time to enjoy the company of those around me instead of online relationships with friends who live across the country. Facebook is really just a cheap way of keeping up with people. I'd rather actually make an effort and take time out of my busy day to catch up over the phone and hear about what's going on in the lives of my friends. Basically, I'm just tired of spending hours looking at a dumb website that only makes me anxious... I'm not kidding about the anxious part. Deleting my FB has been the most liberating thing I've done in awhile. I'll update my blog regularly, but if you really want to know what's going on in my life and not just what you've creeped on through FB... pick up the phone and give me a ring-a-ling :)

Today, I'm thankful for a God that knows everything about me - my needs, worries, joys, fears, the list goes on & on - but loves me enough to want to hear it from me. I'm thankful that the Lord will never disappoint or let me down. I'm thankful that the Lord's promises are true when others' promises are not. I'm thankful that He is always by my side when there is no one else standing next to me.

Walk with my Grand Daddy.

I'm so glad I got to go home to be with my family and to go to Pop-Pop's viewing that was just for our immediate family. The funeral service for everyone is later this week and I wish I could be there, but I'm so thankful that I even got to go home (even if it was just for a night). My Pop-Pop will be missed dearly. Of course I love all my grandparents, but Pop-Pop has an extra special place in my heart and I know my brothers & cousins would agree with me. He was a Corporal in the Army... he served in the Korean War. My Pop-Pop had a bunch of odd jobs including a crossing guard. He absolutely loved the Mummers, the Phillies, and Eagles, like any good ole Philly man. As much as he loved watching sports, he enjoyed playing sports as well. He played third base in the "Over the Hill Softball League" until he was 69 years old and won the championship twice while on the team. My Pop-Pop looooved cigars. That was probably his trademark. I remember when I used to go to the store with him just to get cigars. My fondest memories of him were probably the days when he used to watch my brothers and I or just be over spending time with us. He was serious about his dinner time. He didn't like fooling around at the dinner table. I remember on multiple occasions when my brothers and I would start giggling at the table and he told us to settle down and eat, but we just kept laughing for no reason. Sorry Pop-Pop! I just love and am going to miss so many little silly things about him... like the fact that he hid stashes of candy in his room so people couldn't take them or the crazy stories he told us about the crazy old people who lived in the same building as him when we would visit him and his silly sense of humor. I'm going to miss hearing about Bingo or whatever game he played that day and how he won 50 cents playing. I'm going to miss the way he told me he was proud of me when I told him about school, the high fives and hugs he used to give me, and the way he told me he loves me. I just found the card he gave me for Christmas, which is now hanging in my room at school. It says, "Granddaughter, you are loved and have been since the day you were born. Believe it and never, ever forget it. Merry Christmas. Love, G-Pop xo." I found this in my room at just the right moment and honestly believe that he let me find it at that moment. I know it was him reminding me that even though he's not with me physically right now, he loves me and always will. I love you too, Pop-Pop. Always and forever.

"When I get where I'm going, I'm gonna walk with my Grand Daddy and he'll match me step for step. And I'll tell him how I missed him every minute since he left and then I'll hug his neck."

"Tears stream down your face when you lose something you cannot replace." I love you forever and always.

Pop-Pop

My Pop-Pop is one of my favorite guys in the world. He's funny, kind, goofy, gentle, and sooo loving. He never fails to put a smile on my face. He's a die-hard Phillies and Eagles fan. He never misses a game and always sports his Phillies hat. I just love so many little silly things about him... like the fact that he hides stashes of candy in his room so people can't take them or the crazy stories he tells us when we visit him about the crazy old people who live in the same building as him and his silly sarcastic personality. I love the way he tells me he's proud of me when I tell him about school, the high fives and hugs he gives me, and the way he tells me he loves me.
I wish I could be with him and my family more than anything in the world right now. See, my Pop has been pretty sick off and on, in and out of rehabilitation centers, and in our hospital's assisted living home for a few years now. My mom called me earlier this week to let me know that he was admitted to the hospital with an infection and a few minutes ago my dad called me to let me know that it's not looking like he will make it through the night. My heart is hurting and I long to be with him tonight. He's been a big part of my life for twenty years and it's hard to imagine it without him.

Homegirl.

Meet: two of the goofiest girls ever. Actually, I lied. Let me rephrase that... Meet: the goofiest girl you will ever meet, my co-leader, Megan. I met Megan during our first year Bible study, but didn't really get to know her until I joined leadership last semester and let me tell you, this girl is freaking hilarious. Everything that comes out of this girl's mouth is so freaking hysterical (you know, the doubled over because your stomach hurts so much from laughing and in tears kind of funny) and kind of outlandish. She needs a standup comedy show or a reality TV show. I wish I could follow her around alldayeveryday or just be able to jump in her head to hear her thoughts. One time, she fell off her chair in lab in front of everyone and the first thing that came to her mind to say to everyone when she got back up was, "I took five naps yesterday so I don't know why I just fell".... um, what?! Hahaha. I've been told on multiple occasions that Megan and I just need to travel and do program together at camp because the way we interact is apparently really comical. I don't know what it is about Megan, but when we're together a whole different side of me comes out. A goofier, unreserved, quirky, vulnerable side of me, which is a side of me that I don't let many people see. Maybe it's because she's not afraid to put herself out there, she's not afraid to take risks, and she's able to make a fool out of herself in the name of Jesus. That's the side of me that comes out when I'm around her and I just love that I love being on College Life leadership with her! She brings so, so, so much creativity to the group! Club would not be the same without her. She comes up with the most creative and original skits and games, and executes them with perfection. She knows how to draw the room together at club and knows how to get everyone so excited about the silly games we're playing. Along with being in funny skits and leading club with Megan, I'm also leading Campaginers with her and one of our other co-leaders. What a joy that has been!! Megan is so full of knowledge and wisdom (more than you know gfriend!) that I wish I had. She has so much more figured out than me about what it means to be walking with Jesus every single day. And she has a transparency & vulnerability about her that allows others to feel so comfortable about sharing whatever is going on in their lives. I love that about her! She's not afraid to put herself out there in front of people and is not afraid of being wrong when she does. So many times I hold back from sharing my thoughts on life and being in relationship with the Lord because I'm so afraid that I will sound dumb or that no one will be able to relate to what I'm saying, but Megan is not afraid of that. That boldness in her is something I admire and I know the Lord is using Megan to help me recognize that boldness in myself. The thing that I admire most about Megan is that her love for the Lord and others is so easily recognizable in her everyday life. Her love for the Lord and passion for ministry is so evident in her life. You can tell by how excited she gets when we plan Club and talk about YL just how much she wants to meet people where they are, and wants to share with them the greatest news of all: that they are loved unconditionally and infinitely by the God of the universe. She is always giving thanks and pointing to the One who deserves the praise in every situation in her life. Homegirl is the least selfish person I know and would do just about anything for her friends. She challenges me to seek the Lord more and more each day and reminds me by her actions & words to love others just as Jesus does. She has one of the biggest and most beautiful hearts I know. You are loved by not only myself and so many other people, but most importantly you are loved unconditionally by the Lord. I'm glad we're part of this ministry together and can't wait to see how the Lord uses us (well, we know you'll be the future area director ha) in High Point. Marinade in that!

[sigh no more | a reflection of beauty] from JJ Starr on Vimeo.

Beloved

“Aren’t you, like me hoping that some person, thing or event will come along to give you that final feeling of inner well-being you desire? Don’t you often hope: “May this book, idea, course, trip, job, country or relationship fulfill my deepest desire.” But as long as you are waiting for that mysterious moment you will go on running helter-skelter, always anxious and restless, always lustful and angry, never fully satisfied. You know that this is the compulsiveness that keeps us going and busy, but at the same time makes us wonder whether we are getting anywhere in the long run. This is the way to spiritual exhaustion and burn-out. This is the way to spiritual death.

Well, you and I don’t have to kill ourselves. We are the Beloved. We are intimately loved long before our parents, teachers, spouses, children, and friends loved or wounded us. That’s the truth spoken by the voice that says, “You are my Beloved.”

Listening to that voice with great inner attentiveness, I hear words that say: “I have called you by name, from the very beginning. You are mine and I am yours. You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests. I have molded you in the depths of the earth and knitted you together in your mother’s womb. I have carved you in the palms of my hands and hidden you in the shadow of my embrace. I look at you with infinite tenderness and care for you with a care more intimate than that of a mother for a child. I have counted every hair on your head and guided you at every step. Wherever you go, I go with you, and wherever you rest, I keep watch. I will give you food that will satisfy all your hunger and drink that will quench your thirst. I will not hide my face from you. You know me as your own and I know you as my own. You belong to me… wherever you are I will be. Nothing will ever separate us. We are one.”

-Henri Nouwen, Life of the Beloved

Your love.

i love your love,

your selfless-give-up-all-you’ve-got kind of love,

your love that makes me laugh-out-loud-and-smile-for-hours kind of love,

your love that makes me want to scream, shout for joy, cry for mercy, beg for forgiveness,

your ironic love, your challenging love, your timeless love,

your harsh-kick-me-in-the-butt kind of love,

your make-me-more-like-you kind of love,

your blunt love, your warm embracing love, your patient love, your jealous love

your lush-oozing-from-seems-heart kind of love,

your big bear hug love, your gentle love, your living love, your love for me,

your love that created a stunning world for us to dwell in,

your humbling love, your never ending love, your arms wide open love,

your love that loves my broken life,

your beautiful love.

(Shout out to Kelsey Burns).

“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saint, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”

— Ephesians 3:16-19

All aboard the love train.

According to my goofy, but brilliant Contemporary Christian Theology professor, evil is “our soul’s refusal to get on board the love train.” hahaha. I think my Big and I were the only ones who laughed.

Come to my rescue

“You are the source of life and I can’t be left behind. No one else will do. I will take hold of You.

I need You Jesus to come to my rescue. Where else can I go? There’s no other name by which I am saved. Capture me with grace. I will follow You.

This world has nothing for me, I will follow You. This world has nothing for me, I will follow You.”

To-do

My to-do list for this weekend includes the following:

• Call George back
• Call Dana back
• Call Kelsey back
• Call Lindsay back
• Call Micaela back
• Call Marissa back
• Call Nikki back

Finally skype with Bryce after weeks of telling him I will

I just listened to my voicemails and thought, “Shootydoo, I have not called any of these people back”… Clearly, I’m terrible at returning phone calls/keeping up with people.

“If Christians are truly willing to leave everything to follow Him, then they will, in fact, eventually leave everything. Either voluntarily or involuntarily, either by design or by accident, a day will come when they realize they have only Jesus. If He alone is savior, then we can find our lives only in being His disciples.”

Give me Jesus

“In the morning when I rise, give me Jesus. You can have all this world, just give me Jesus.”

Watch out…. Kpup & Jpup are takin’ over the waterfront this summer. Shenanigans all month. Can’t wait to serve the Lord and campers with this beautiful girl again!!!

Oh, and is it weird that I still fold my laundry Lake Champion style after almost two years since I was a “laundry girl” there?

Grace

Today, I’m thankful for forgiveness. I’m thankful that the Lord loves me just the way I am, but loves me too much to leave me that way. I’m thankful that He is reshaping my life to look more like Him.

All to Jesus I surrender. All to Him I freely give. I will ever love and trust Him. In His presence daily live.

I surrender all, I surrender all. All to Thee, my blessed Savior. I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender. Humbly at His feet I bow. Worldly pleasures all forsaken. Take me Jesus, take me now.

I surrender all, I surrender all. All to Thee, my blessed Savior. I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender. Lord, I give myself to Thee. So fill me with Thy love and power. Let Thy blessing fall on me.

This is the song my heart sings today and everyday! Completely captivated by who You are this morning. I want nothing more than to surrender everything - my fears, my worries, my insecurities, my dreams, my plans, my life - to You and sit in Your presence.

Made more faithful

Learning to accept the Lord’s will for me even though it’s not what I planned for myself. His plans are better than mine, His timing is perfect, and His promises are true.

Every girl, young and old, has to face her own reflection. Twirl around, stare it down, what’s the mirror gonna say? With some luck, you’ll measure up, but you might not hold a candle to the rest. “Is that your best?” says the mirror to the mess, but there’s a whisper in the noise. Can you hear a little voice? And He says,

“Has anybody told you you’re beautiful? You might agree if you could see what I see. Cause everything about you is incredible. You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for Me.”

If it’s true beauty that lies in the eye of the beholder, what my life and what’s inside to give Him something to behold. I want a heart that’s captivating. I want to hear my Father say:

“Has anybody told you you’re beautiful? You might agree if you could see what I see. Cause everything about you is incredible. You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for Me. Close your eyes, look inside, let Me see the you that you’ve been trying to hide. Long ago, I made you so very beautiful, so I ought to know you’re beautiful.”

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. [Romans 8:28]

Always be joyful!

“Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” [1 Thessalonians 5:16-18]

Joy is what we feel when we know we are loved unconditionally and infinitely by the God of the universe. Being happy is not the same as being joyful… sadness, disappointment, brokenness, and joy can coexist. Joy is what fills us when we know that nothing - absolutely NOTHING - can take away or separate us from the love of the Lord… and as we become more aware of this love, we allow our hearts to become more joyful and a source of joy for others.

“My friend’s joy is contagious. The more I am with him, the more I catch glimpses of the sun shining through the clouds. Yes, I know there is a sun, even though the skies are covered with clouds. While my friend always spoke about the sun, I kept speaking about the clouds, until one day I realized that it was the sun that allowed me to see the clouds.” -Henri Nouwen, Here and Now

I miss my dear friend Brittany very much. Tonight especially. I was just thinking about her, as I do everyday. I can’t even begin to describe the amazing person she was. So full of life and whenever I think about all the time we spent together, I can still hear her laugh and it puts a smile on my face. I loved the times we just drove around our town for hours listening to the same Run Kid Run song over and over (I made her replay it) because there was nothing better to do on a Friday night or when we would sit for hours and talk at our favorite coffee shop called Stir It Up. Or the times we would just sit around at my house doing absolutely nothing, but we’d still have the best time ever because we were together and the hot tub nights at our friend Jocelyn’s house. It’s so weird to think about how a few weeks before she left us, we were texting each other and making plans to hang out. I guess I didn’t realize just how sick she was and she just had the most positive attitude always believing that she would get better.

Here’s one of her posts from her blog that I just love because her personality is all over it: ”i read about how you touched them and they were healed; or even if someone just touched your cloak, they were forever changed. you let a broken woman bathe your feet in her tears, and you washed your best friends’ feet. i’m just wondering though - did you ever just HUG people? i know it’s a silly question and all; i’m sure you would have (why wouldn’t you have?), but it’s one of those things that was never mentioned. and it got me thinking about it and how whenever there was a touch from you, sins were forgiven and sickness fell. all i really need is a hug. that’s okay for me to imagine, right? that’s not conflicting with any sort of theology, is it? okay good. then hug me. but not one of these sideways one-arm-around-the-neck type hugs. or the ghetto right-hand, clasp-fists, elbows-to-chest, pat-pat-on-the-backback. or the you put your right arm-over my left arm-and i put my right arm under your left arm and we make this weird SORT-of-diagonal thing. naw.. none of those! BEAR HUG ME, MAN! take your old school carpenter arms and throw them around my upper body leaving my arms dangling underneath yours somewhere, and i can barely move them because you’re squeezing me so hard. (but don’t pick me up and make my back pop because I HATE it when people do that) and then hold me. hold me here in your arms.”

I miss Brittany for the selfish reason that she is not here with me anymore, but I know she is living the best life ever with her Father. I can’t even begin to imagine all she’s experienced and continues to experience, and I just know that she has gotten that hug she wanted :) “So instead I’ll pray with every tear and be thankful for the time I had you here.”

Wonderful Maker

“What a wonderful Maker. What a wonderful Savior. How majestic Your whispers and how humble Your love. With the strength like no other and the heart of a father. How majestic Your whispers. What a wonderful God. No eye has fully seen how beautiful the cross and we have only heard the faintest whispers of how great You are. You made the world and saw that it was good. You sent Your only Son, for You are good.”

Just in case you were wondering

Tic Tacs have 1.9 calories in them.

I got my Dean’s List letter yesterday. I found one thing I’m good at, being a nerd. Too school for cool.

I really would love a strawberry banana smoothie right now, but only from Smoothie King.

I wish I knew everything there is to know about aviation. I’m fascinated by it. I want to be a pilot, but I really wish I was smart enough to be an engineer. I want to make them fly and I want to know EVERYTHING about them. I love taking off on the runway… I just feel free. I don’t know if that’s weird or not, but I’m fascinated and I love it.

In 12 days I will be 20 years old. I’ll be halfway to 40.

Thanks to some of my good friends (the lovely Ashley Berg, Dana Sabato, Kelsey Burns, Nicole Kortendick, and Megan Liss), ever since our conversation at dinner about weddings, I have been thinking about them nonstop. And it probably doesn’t help that one of my really great friends is getting married in April and she was just telling me about all the new wedding plans. Gah. Check out the song Marry Me by Train if you haven’t already heard it, it gets me every time.

He must become greater; I must become less. [John 3:30]

Be Magnified.

Being obedient to where the Lord is leading me. What comes next is totally in His hands and I can’t wait for what’s ahead!!! It’s gonna be great :)

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good spirit lead me on level ground. [Psalm 143: 8 & 10]

“When you feel God’s call to move, allow him to guide you. He will give you the grace to do whatever he has asked.”

We belong to each other

Each day the Lord is teaching me something new about what being in relationship with Him means. Recently, I’ve been learning a lot about prayer, what living in community really is, and their relation to each other. It’s not about always seeing each other and it’s not about being best friends. The closer we become to the Lord through prayer, the closer we can become to our brothers and sisters. God remains in our brothers and sisters just as he remains in us. When we recognize God’s presence in our own hearts, we will also be able to recognize God in the hearts of our brothers and sisters. The same is true if we recognize the demons in ourselves. When we see only demons in ourselves and when we focus on the turmoil in our lives, we are only able to recognize that in others, but when we recognize and see God in ourselves, we are able to see God in others. Prayer is the way we get to know the Father’s heart and when we pray, we enter into His presence. It is not a sign of weakness when we say we need to pray for one another. In fact, it is just the opposite. When we pray for each other we are entering His presence and actively acknowledging that, as children of God, we belong to each other.