I don't really know where this post is going to go.... I have so many thoughts scrambling through my brain right now, sorry if this just ends up a mess.

Sometimes I feel like I have to hide what's really going on in my life because I'm so in love with Jesus. I feel like people just expect me to have it all together especially to my church/Young Life "family" at home. I guess I've just always hidden my darkest secrets and struggles with them. I've built up this "everything is great all the time" image, which has put up a huge wall in so many relationships. It's a wall that has made me feel so isolated and alone. Have you ever heard the song Castle Walls by T.I? Well in case you aren't familiar with it some of the lyrics are "Everyone thinks that I have it all, but it's so empty living behind these castle walls. If I should tumble, if I should fall, would anyone hear me screaming behind these castle walls? There's no one here at all behind these castle walls." These lyrics sum up how I've been feeling lately.

It's funny how we can pick and choose what parts of our lives we share with certain people. It is so easy for me to share my struggles with people while I'm on Summer Staff, but the idea of sharing my struggles with people at school or home scares me to death and it is so hard for me to do. I think it's because I know that at the end of the month at camp there will be so much distance between me and the friends I've shared my life with. Trust can't be broken and I can't be let down by these people as easily. At the same time, there is so much relief and joy that comes from being transparent with friends who I surround myself with every single day and not having to carry this burden by myself.

My life is so very bittersweet right now for so many reasons. It is chaotic and beautiful all at the same time. I'm sweetly broken in so many ways and I'm struggling with some not so light things. I sometimes often question why a certain struggle of mine is mine to deal with at all. Why can't I just be so in love with who I am the way that I'm so deeply in love with the One who created me with His very hands? The Lord made me this way to fulfill a plan that was designed specifically for me to bring Him glory. A plan that no other person can live out, but me. I don't even think what I'm dealing with even qualifies as a struggle anymore, it's become a lifestyle. It scares me, but I know that the Lord is fighting on my behalf. He is holding my heart this very second.

Identity.

Identity. We all search for some place to put our identity in. Where will we find it?

So many times I put my identity in the material things and in the people I surround myself with everyday. My eyes have really been opened to this the past few weeks...

Society tells us who we should be, what defines success, what we should look like, how we should act, what size or weight we should be, etc. I mean, take a look around, it's everywhere. Just the other day I bought a magazine (Self magazine to be exact) and in the magazine were articles about shedding pounds and ways to get a more gorgeous you. I think these articles were called "Get Flat Abs and Shed 9 Pounds!" and "1 Month to a More Gorgeous You!". The world defines what's beautiful and what you should look like, and if you don't conform to this man-made mold, you're worthless. I used to believe that I had to squeeze myself into this mold. It's a trap that only leads to destruction, but I've realized that my identity is not found in these lies or my attempts to conform to the standards of the world. It's found in the Lord who made me beautiful in every way. I am His masterpiece and my uniqueness was a gift from Him. When I gaze at him, He reflects back to me my beauty because I was made in His image, and that image is perf.

Being in a sorority, I've noticed that there is serious competition between girls to see who has the best things. It's always a competition to see who has the best Michael Kors watch, who has the prettiest Lilly dress, who has this, who has that. I get sucked into it and literally turn into a bratty little typical sorority snob. I HATE it!!!! Like seriously, WHO THE HECK CARES?! I've always tried to find security in material things... I'm realizing that the more and more I do this, the more and more unsatisfied and insecure I become. Why do I keep doing this when I know that the only one who can give me what I really need is the Lord?!

I'm now at a point in my life where I'm trying to figure out what comes next. I have so many ideas of what I want to do and be when I'm done undergrad. I often find myself listening to what the world would tell me to do.... something that will bring me the most money, the most security, and something that makes sense to the world. I close myself off to the Lord's call on my life when I do this. I refuse to find identity in the world's idea of success. Instead of listening to what the standards of the world tells me I should do, I should be still and listen to where the Lord is leading me. The Lord's plans for my life are SO much better and more fulfilling than anything the world has to offer me! He already has a plan for me, so why worry about it or completely disregard what His plans are? How comforting is that?!

Not only do I put my identity in those things, but I find that I place my identity most in other people. I place all my trust, hope, love, etc in other people. I look to people to find the unconditional love that I so desperately want. When I can't get it or find it in them, I become hurt and broken. And so many times, when something in my life happens that I need advice on or guidance about something, I'll run straight to my friends. In reality I should be running to the Lord. The first thing I should do about anything is seek the Lord and see what He has for me instead of going to a friend to figure out what to do about something. He is the ONLY one who will give me the unconditional love that I need and I need to stop looking for it in other places.

Through all of this, the Lord is teaching me that I was not made to fit in, I was created to stand out. The world tells me time and time again that what I possess defines who I am and that what I look like determines my worth. But the Lord has given me unique beauty and will equip me with all that I need to live a life that doesn't draw attention to myself, but to live a life that leads others to Him. He is going to use me, of all people, to do more for His kingdom than I could ever dream of. That thought alone is just so unbelievably mind-boggling to me, but I love it!

So, what do you find your identity in? Do you find it in worldly possessions? Do you find it in what the world says you should be and how you should look? Do you find it in other people? Or do you define yourself by who the Lord says you are?

Just a few verses I've been living by this past semester:

"For the Lord will be your confidence, and will keep your foot from being caught." [Proverbs 3:26]

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." [Galatians 1:10]

"The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord." [Psalm 45:11]

Unconditional love.

I'm thankful that my God is one who draws my heart closer to His in the midst of my struggles.

I'm thankful for a God that loves me unconditionally no matter what I've done to make a mess of this life He has given me.

I'm thankful that He loves me just the way I am, but cares about me too much to leave me that way.

I'm thankful for the grace that poured out on the cross and for a love that transforms me to look more like Him.

I'm thankful that regardless of what season I'm in, the Lord never lets go of me and is holding my heart this very second.

You Are More

"There's a girl in the corner

With tear stains on her eyes

From the places she's wandered

And the shame she can't hide.

She says, "How did I get here?

I'm not who I once was

And I'm crippled by the fear

That I've fallen too far for love."

But don't you know who you are,

What's been done for you?

Yeah, don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it

That she's been given new life

But she can't shake the feeling

That it's not true tonight.

She knows all the answers

And she's rehearsed all the lines

And so she'll try to do better

But then she's too weak to try.

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,

But what's been done for you.

This is not about where you've been,

But where your brokenness brings you to.

This is not about what you feel,

But what He felt to forgive you,

And what He felt to make you loved.

You've been remade."

-Tenth Avenue North, You Are More