I don't really know where this post is going to go.... I have so many thoughts scrambling through my brain right now, sorry if this just ends up a mess.

Sometimes I feel like I have to hide what's really going on in my life because I'm so in love with Jesus. I feel like people just expect me to have it all together especially to my church/Young Life "family" at home. I guess I've just always hidden my darkest secrets and struggles with them. I've built up this "everything is great all the time" image, which has put up a huge wall in so many relationships. It's a wall that has made me feel so isolated and alone. Have you ever heard the song Castle Walls by T.I? Well in case you aren't familiar with it some of the lyrics are "Everyone thinks that I have it all, but it's so empty living behind these castle walls. If I should tumble, if I should fall, would anyone hear me screaming behind these castle walls? There's no one here at all behind these castle walls." These lyrics sum up how I've been feeling lately.

It's funny how we can pick and choose what parts of our lives we share with certain people. It is so easy for me to share my struggles with people while I'm on Summer Staff, but the idea of sharing my struggles with people at school or home scares me to death and it is so hard for me to do. I think it's because I know that at the end of the month at camp there will be so much distance between me and the friends I've shared my life with. Trust can't be broken and I can't be let down by these people as easily. At the same time, there is so much relief and joy that comes from being transparent with friends who I surround myself with every single day and not having to carry this burden by myself.

My life is so very bittersweet right now for so many reasons. It is chaotic and beautiful all at the same time. I'm sweetly broken in so many ways and I'm struggling with some not so light things. I sometimes often question why a certain struggle of mine is mine to deal with at all. Why can't I just be so in love with who I am the way that I'm so deeply in love with the One who created me with His very hands? The Lord made me this way to fulfill a plan that was designed specifically for me to bring Him glory. A plan that no other person can live out, but me. I don't even think what I'm dealing with even qualifies as a struggle anymore, it's become a lifestyle. It scares me, but I know that the Lord is fighting on my behalf. He is holding my heart this very second.